i want to live.

February 10, 2014

there’s some people who enjoy doing nothing with their day. laying around watching tv or reading. just doing nothing. don’t get me wrong, I enjoy watching tv and laying around, but I would much, much rather doing something else. I get anxiety feeling like I wasted valuable time that I coud have been doing something more productive or adventuresome. sometimes I get all philosophical about my life, I don’t want to let days go by un-lived. I want to see places, do things, take pictures, make memories, experience things. there’s a (country) song that always makes me really think about that.

I don’t like who I’m becomin’ I know I’ve gotta do somethin’, before my life passes right by.

I want to cry like the rain, cry like the rain, shine like sun on a beautiful morning. sing to the heavens like the church bells ringing, fight with the devil and go down swinging. fly like a bird, roll like a stone. love like I ain’t afraid to be alone. take everything that this world has to give, I want to live.” 
I’ve always been the person to live for everyone else, do what they want to do, watch what they want to watch, eat where they want to eat. I’m a pretty go with the flow person, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have opinions or preferences. I think one of the main reasons I’m indecisive is because I’m afraid to hurt other peoples feelings with my decisions, or make them uncomfortable. so I just let them choose, easy as that. but that means I haven’t been living for myself. I’ve gotten a little better as I got older, but I’m still far from where I want to be. I want to live for me, do things I want, but still with the company of who I love. I just need to care a little less of what others think of my decisions, if they love me enough to stay, then they’re meant to. I think eventually we learn how to define happiness for ourselves. not in a selfish way, ( I still have the biggest selfless heart around) but in a way that keeps me moving forward. I’m not too good at writing posts like this, I always feel like I end up rambling and not making myself as clear as I want to be. but I guess that’s another thing I’m learning. 

song by|| josh gracin